Life.
Stressful. Confusing. Boring. And sometimes just plain absurd or unbelievable.
One thing that always helps me on days like that or in such situations is a good laugh (or three of them).
So in today’s post I’d like to share 175 of the most relatable and hilarious quotes about life.
I hope these witty and funny sayings will help you to release some stress about your day or week.
Help you find a new and more positive and light perspective when things have gone into the bad or absurd zone.
And maybe help you to help out a friend or a colleague who is having a rough day and needs a good chuckle and some positive energy.
Hilarious Quotes About Life
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
– Steven Wright
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
– W. C. Fields
“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”
– Joan Rivers
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
– Doug Larson
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
– Will Rogers
“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”
– Elbert Hubbard
“Reality continues to ruin my life.”
– Bill Watterson
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’”
– Sydney J. Harris
“I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.”
– Charles M. Schulz
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
– Mitch Hedberg
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
– Rebecca Romijn
“I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.”
– Steven Wright
“I’m killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.”
– Bill Watterson
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
– Ellen DeGeneres
“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.”
– Isaac Asimov
“The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.”
– Oscar Wilde
“Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.”
– Stephen Hawking
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
– Bill Watterson
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”
– Cathy Guisewite
“Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans.”
– Allen Saunders
“Life is a lot like jazz… it’s best when you improvise.”
– George Gershwin
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
– Chris Rock
“Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I’d have an excuse.”
– Jimmy Fallon
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
– Jerry Seinfeld
Hilarious Quotes and Sayings About Work and Motivation
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
– A. A. Milne
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?”
– Edgar Bergen
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
– Joe Girard
“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.”
– Mark Twain
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
– Zig Ziglar
“Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.”
– Charlotte Whitton
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
– George Carlin
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”
– Charles Lamb
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
– Oscar Wilde
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.”
– Alexander Woollcott
“I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”
– Jerome K. Jerome
“No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.”
– Groucho Marx
“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”
– Albert Einstein
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
– Scott Adams
“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”
– Terry Pratchett
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
– Thomas A. Edison
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
– Samuel Goldwyn
“I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”
– Joan Rivers
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.”
– Bill Murray
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
– Groucho Marx
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
– Albert Einstein
Hilarious Quotes About Aging and Getting Old
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
– Sir Norman Wisdom
“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”
– Bob Hope
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
– Helen Rowland
“The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.”
– Betty White
“I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.”
– Unknown
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
– George Burns
“Age is something that doesn’t matter unless you are a cheese.”
– Luis Bunuel
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
– Betty White
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’”
– Claude Pepper
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
– Anthony Burgess
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”
– Lucille Ball
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
– Mark Twain
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
– George Burns
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
– Phyllis Diller
“Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you’re aboard, there’s nothing you can do.”
– Golda Meir
“The older I get, the better I used to be.”
– Lee Trevino
“I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age, I’m very pleased to be anywhere.”
– George Burns
“You’re only as old as the woman you feel.”
– Groucho Marx
“When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened.”
– Mark Twain
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
– Betty White
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”
– Ellen DeGeneres
“I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.”
– Stephen Fry
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
– Phyllis Diller
“You know you’re getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.”
– Hy Gardner
“Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.”
– Joey Adams
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Hilarious Quotes About Family, Love and Marriage
“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will be a philosopher.”
– Socrates
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
– Rita Rudner
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”
– Groucho Marx
“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?”
– Phyllis Diller
“Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.”
– Jules Renard
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
– Will Ferrell
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
– Erma Bombeck
“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
– Ann Landers
“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”
– Jimmy Durante
“Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.”
– Pete (from the movie Knocked Up)
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
– Damien Fahey
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
– Phyllis Diller
“If it weren’t for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn’t get any exercise at all.”
– Joey Adams
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
– Nora Ephron
“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”
– Rose (from the TV-show The Golden Girls)
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
– Buddy Hackett
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”
– Phyllis Diller
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare.”
– Ed Asner
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.”
– Mae West
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
– Socrates
“My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’”
– Paula Poundstone
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
– Jim Carrey
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
– Rita Rudner
“You go through life wondering what is it all about but at the end of the day it’s all about family.”
– Rod Stewart
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
– Carrie Underwood
“As far as I’m concerned, ‘whom’ is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.”
– Calvin Trillin
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.”
– H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.”
– Pauline Thomason
Hilarious Quotes About Friendship and Your Best Friend
“A good friend will help you move. But a best friend will help you move a dead body.”
– Jim Hayes
“You can always tell when a man’s well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
– H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“I never forget a face – but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
– Groucho Marx
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.’”
– C.S. Lewis
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
“Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.”
– Mark Twain
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
– Linda Grayson
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
– Greg Tamblyn
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.”
– David Tyson
“Friends are God’s way of apologizing for your family.”
– Wayne Dyer
“Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.”
– Bertrand Russell
“A true friend overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!”
– Doug Larson
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
– Josh Billings
“Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with.”
– Robert Brault
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
– Noel Coward
“A day without a friend is like a pot without a single drop of honey left inside.”
– Winnie the Pooh
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
– Greg Tamblyn
“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re OK, then it’s you.”
– Rita Mae Brown
Hilarious and Relatable Quotes That Will Make You Laugh
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
– Polish Proverb
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
– Tina Fey
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
– Unknown
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
– Dave Barry
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
– Steven Wright
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
– Unknown
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”
– Unknown
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
– Abraham Lincoln
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
– Unknown
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
– Steve Martin
“I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
– Unknown
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
– Denis Waitley
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
– Les Dawson
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
– George Carlin
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
– Miles Kington
“I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.”
– Steven Wright
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
– Bill Murray
“I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.”
– Lily Tomlin
“I’m not crazy – I’ve been in a very bad mood for 40 years.”
– Ouiser Boudreaux (from the movie Steel Magnolias)
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
– Homer Simpson
“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”
– Steven Wright
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
– Mark Twain
Short Hilarious Quotes for Snappy Humor
“Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something.”
– Mitch Hedberg
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
– Robert Benchley
“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
– Steven Wright
“Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.”
– Lily Tomlin
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”
– Groucho Marx
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
– Spike Milligan
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
– Ashleigh Brilliant
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
– Joan Rivers
“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.”
– Emo Philips
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
– Steven Wright
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
– Ace Ventura (from the movie Ace Ventura)
“I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.”
– Mitch Hedberg
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
– Henry Kissinger
“I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”
– Winston Churchill
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
– Jimmy Fallon
“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”
– Billy Sunday
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
– George Carlin
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
– Bob Hope
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
– Demetri Martin
“Don’t be so humble – you’re not that great.”
– Golda Meir
“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”
– Steven Wright
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
– Mark Twain
“Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?”
– George Carlin
“I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What good would that do?”
– Ronnie Shakes
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.”
– Henny Youngman
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
– Marc Maron
“If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.”
– Mitch Hedberg
“When in doubt, look intelligent.”
– Garrison Keillor
Want more laughs, positive vibes and less stress for your day and week? Then check out these funny good morning quotes, the hilarious work quotes in this post, the funny teamwork quotes here and also these funny Monday quotes and this one with funny Friday quotes.