It’s an inevitable fact of life that as your kids get older they spend less time with you. And it’s completely healthy for them to do so. They need to navigate their own pathway, to form connections with others, and to learn from any mistakes they make. That’s all part of growing up. But as a parent, it can be so hard to let go. I’ve been thinking a lot about this recently and about the ways you can stay connected with your teenage son. And I say son specifically, because as a mum to a teenage boy myself, I do notice this relationship change with my son far more than I do with my teenage daughter.
I want to share with you some of the things I do to keep the mum son relationship strong to hopefully give you some ideas to help you stay connected with your teenage son, or at the very least make you feel as though someone else gets how hard this relationship shift is. I’m not perfect, and not professing to be (is there even such a thing as a perfect parent!?!) this is just my take on things and the way I am navigating being a mum to a teenage son.
Mother Son Relationships
I have an absolutely unbreakable bond with my teenage son. In a lot of ways we are very similar. We share the same sense of humour and we’re both masters of sarcasm. We only have to give each other a look and we know exactly what the other one is thinking, and it’s often a bit inappropriate. And we’re both a bit sweary, although these days I definitely control it a whole lot better than he does!
When he was little, he was what you would call a ‘mummy’s boy’. He loved spending time with me, playing with his toys together, going on adventures in the garden together, doing crafts together, and then when he was a bit older playing computer games like Minecraft together. I have such fond memories of us both sat on the floor in the living room completing challenges and can still picture the look of joy on his face as he beat his mum. A regular occurence might I add.
So when that started disappearing, when he started hiding himself away in his room more, when he started playing Call of Duty with his mates, when all I got out of him were grunts and ‘what’s for dinner’, not gonna lie, it was heartbreaking. Because trying to stay connected with your teenage son isn’t easy. Not when they make it hard for you to stay connected, or allow you time to interact, or in fact be a person you always like. Let’s remember, we always love our children, but there can be times when we don’t especially like them, and it’s totally OK to admit that.
There are time when it feels like all I do is nag… put your shoes away, pick those wet towels up, empty your bin, open your curtains, bring those plates down. And when that’s the only interaction you have not only is it utterly exhausting, it also doesn’t exactly incentivise you to want to spend more time with each other.
A lot of it is about mindset. Kids grow, times change, and you as a parent need to change with them. Otherwise the connection truly does start to disappear. The fact is, our relationship has never been broken, it’s just changed. And the one lesson I have had to learn is firstly to accept it and then to change with it. And one of the best ways I have found to cope with this change is to look for and to appreciate the glimmers.
Holiday Bonding Time
Holidays are super precious to me. I work hard mostly in order to go on amazing holidays. It’s really important to me to share the world with my kids, to open their eyes to the fact there’s so many places to explore, and to be able to spend quality time with them. No matter what struggles we have going on at home, whenever we go on holiday we come together and reunite as a family. It’s a very special time.
As the years have passed, we’ve also had to adapt how we interact with one another on holiday. Teenagers are notoriously not great at getting up in the morning, so I’ve had to learn to just let that one go and instead head off to the breakfast buffet without him. If he misses it, then that’s his issue not mine. Just like letting go of the control is my issue, not his.
We’ve all started to respect the need for alone time and acknowledged how important it is for us to have our own space. And it’s about compromise, right? He can do what he wants in the daytime, but we always have meals together. That’s something we do even at home. That’s a time we sit together and eat and find that comfortable space to talk.
What’s really lovely though, is how holidays give us a chance to just be ourselves around one another, without the pressures of work or college or the other day-to-day stuff that goes on. And with that relaxed state of mind we feel much more compelled to do things together, like share a round of golf (well, OK so I was his caddy, but it’s still time together), we can play padel together (in 40 degree heat!), and we can divide ourselves up so if two of us want to do something the other two can go off and do something else. It’s easy, and that is what holidays should be about, easy family time just hanging out and spending time together.
And that afternoon we spent together, him playing golf, me driving the golf buggy (so much fun!) was just really nice. He’d taken his own clubs, golf shoes, all the proper gear etc. with him, as we knew in advance there was a golf course at the hotel we were staying in. So there was him looking pro and then there’s me in full on tourist mode in my shorts, vest top, and sliders. I cheered in all the right places, tried to spot balls when they went off course, and lifted up the flag when he got on the putting greens. We laughed together, made fun of each other, got soaked by the sprinklers, and had good chat. A real chance for good quality mum son time, it was lovely.
Shared Interests = Shared Connections
I’ve never been one of those pushy parents who forced their kids into attending a ton of clubs, learning all the instruments, or taxi driving them around to a million different activities. Kudos to those parents who do do that by the way. How you’re managing to keep on top of that, I’ll never know, cos that’s like a full time job in itself. But it was never how I rolled.
And don’t even get me started on the cost. Not just from the activities themselves, but the stuff you need to get them kitted out in. There’s football boots, and not just one pair of football boots, they need ones with moulded studs, removable studs, and of course they need astro turf boots too. Then there’s scout uniforms and wet weather gear and camping equipment for when they go hiking. Then of course there’s all the new accesssories they need when they take up the latest in thing… I mean come on now, how can you play padel if you don’t have a decent pair of padel shoes!?!
Like I say, hats off to you if you’re spending your time and your money on making sure your kid’s are entertained and enriched every waking hour of the day. You’re a much better mum than me!
Fortunately for me and my husband, both kids were happy doing just one hobby at a time. For my son it was football and for my daughter it was drama. As my son got older, he started to choose hobbies himself. Things he wanted to try out, because he genuinely had an interest, not just because his parents thought it would be good for him. And that’s how passion grows.
He now learns electric guitar, plays golf, and goes to the gym, all of which came about through his own choosing. And it’s so lovely to see that passion grow in him. He clearly loves all three, because if you get him talking abut them, you’ll be there for hours.
Cherish The Moments And Stay Connected With Your Teenage Son
So, for me, staying connected to your teenage son is mostly about cherishing the moments, or the glimmers, that you do get with them. Whether that’s spending time in the gym together with him laughing at me because I can’t lift heavy weights and I have no clue what all the machines are for let alone using them in the right way. Being his caddy and not knowing what the hell he’s going on about when he talks about hitting a ‘Mulligan’ (legit still don’t know what that means!). Listening to rock music with him as he points out the guitar riff he’s learning at the mo and honestly having zero clue what I’m listening out for but nodding enthusiastically at all the parts I think are right.
There was one particularly lovely morning on holiday, the last morning we were there in fact, where he woke up as early as I did (we’re talking 6am early – guess who got breakfast that day haha). So rather than wake the others up, we both snuck down to the 24hr bar, with our laptops and we sat and worked together for a couple of hours. Both with a coffee, both with headphones on, him doing a bit of revision, me doing some blog work. There was only the occasional bit of talking, mostly we were both sat there in silence, but even that felt like something we bonded over. A mutual ease and enjoyment of each other’s company.
Those little moments are priceless. And I cherish them even at home. He’s learning to drive at the moment, so we are still in teen taxi mode, but actually I kinda love the times I need to drive him places. That’s when we have our chats. When he tells me about his day, what he’s been up to, what he thinks of stuff that’s going on in the world. And I’m going to miss that when he can drive himself about. Perhaps I’ll have to start asking him to taxi me around instead!
Teenage sons don’t always make it easy, but the secret is to treasure the glimmers. Because they add up to something memorable and unbreakable. Stay interested in what they’re doing and you will keep connected. Ultimately, they just want to be noticed, to make you proud, and to recived your love and that is something that never ever changes.
How Do You Stay Connected With Your Teenage Son?
Thank you so much for reading my post, it always means the world. Now it’s time for me to hear from you. I’d love to know how you stay connected with your teenage son.
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Author Bio
Becky Stafferton is a full-time content creator, web publisher, and blog strategy coach. She continually strives to promote a realistic, sustainable and positive image of how to lead a healthy life. When she’s not writing she can be found running through muddy puddles, making lists of lists, having a good old moan, talking in funny voices to her dog, renovating her house in the country, and teaching small business owners how to successfully use blogging in their businesses.