Nearly everywhere one looks these days, incivility seems to be on the rise. Fights on social media, bullying in the classroom, physical attacks against airport employees, commuters wild with road rage, even grocery store outbursts have been well documented.
Experts say such blatant incivility robs both the perpetrator and the victim of feelings of value and self-respect, sometimes leading to increased anxiety, depression, and a host of other mental health challenges.
While incivility is a complex issue, it often comes down to disrespectful attitudes and behaviors that others react to, says Joseph Shrand, MD, an instructor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and author of “Unleashing the Power of Respect: The I-M Approach.” “When one person is rude to another, the other person often responds in kind,” he explains. He says much of what’s occurring in the world today can be fixed by getting back to “the lost art of manners” and showing one another more kindness and understanding. “When is the last time you got angry at someone treating you with respect?,” he asks.
Maryanne Parker, a San Diego-based etiquette expert and author of “Posh Overnight: The 10 Pillars of Social Etiquette,” says the world is experiencing “a civility crisis” that both parents and children can help make better. “Kids learn etiquette and good behavior first at home,” she says. “However, it has become increasingly difficult for parents to present this knowledge to their kids simply because everyone is so busy and the emphasis has always been on the hard skills.”
Jodi R.R. Smith, an etiquette consultant and author of “From Clueless to Class Act: Manners for the Modern Woman,” agrees that manners are often best taught in the home, but adds that teens pick up on behaviors from adults elsewhere as well. “Manners are learned through modeling,” she explains. Kids watch how the adults in their lives “speak, listen, and interact,” and often behave similarly. “The models also include the messages consumed through television, movies, and social media,” she adds.
She calls the art of teaching manners “endangered,” but not yet extinct. “There are still families where manners are taught, but they are fewer and farther between,” Smith says. Amid a flurry of often bustling schedules, parents have to work hard to carve out time “to teach the needed behaviors,” she councils. “It is not easy, and often, not a priority.”
Manners coach and author Brooke Romney has also noticed that many parents struggle to find the time or knowhow to teach manners in the home, so she created a tool to help. Her book, “52 Modern Manners For Today’s Teens,” teaches parents and children specific manners to review and practice together as a family each week.
Such manners include teaching kids how to introduce themselves to others, pitching in when food is being prepared or cleaned up, how to be a good passenger when getting a ride, the art of speaking with confidence, why holding doors open still matters, how to foster trustworthiness, proper restaurant etiquette, being a good listener, practicing inclusivity, how to be a good houseguest, advocating for others, how to be on time, the importance of respecting the property of others, and the art of declining kindly, among many others.
Each technique is broken down on a single page beneath a block heading so families can quickly review the manner/behavior they are working on that week. Romney says the manners taught in her book resonate, in part, because children “want to be successful, they often just don’t know how.” She also explains that singling kids out each time they behave badly won’t help if they didn’t learn the correct behavior in the first place. “When manners are presented in a neutral way, it takes away the offense and annoyance,” Romney says. “Having them in a book makes them less personal and helps teens realize these are important skills everyone has to learn, not a personal deficiency they are being accused of.”
Parker says practicing manners through family discussions and role playing is key. “Good manners and knowing some etiquette should be introduced early and reinforced on a daily basis until it becomes a second nature,” she says.
Along the way, it’s vital to recognize a child’s growth and efforts, Shrand says, and to not dwell too much on the behaviors or manners they are still working on. “It is much more rewarding to be amazed at who your child is,” he says, “than disappointed in who they are not.”