Learn to diffuse your anger before you lash out or look foolish.
You definitely know anger when you feel it. It sometimes shows up as irritation, indignation, or frustration. On the high end of the anger intensity scale, you might find yourself screaming like a banshee, slamming doors, or even throwing a punch. This is explosive anger generally leads to regret — unless you know how to calm yourself down.
1. Acknowledge the feelings.
Anger is an emotion that doesn’t necessarily reflect reality. When we are absorbed in anger, we often have knee-jerk reactions because the emotions feel so real and powerful.
Emotions come and go but behavior has long-lasting consequences. When you’re angry, try to remind yourself that it’s just a feeling, and it will pass soon enough. Sit with the feeling for a few minutes without saying or doing anything. If you feel like crying, then do so if it helps relieve the tension.
2. Breathe for five minutes.
Anger causes many physical reactions — a rush of adrenaline, increased heart rate, tightening of muscles, and rapid breathing. When you manage these physicals symptoms, you can begin to calm your mind as well.
If possible, close your eyes and take five minutes to practice abdominal breathing. Count each breath up to ten, saying the number on the out breath. Do this several times until you feel your heart rate slow down and your body relax.
3. Excuse yourself.
If another person triggers your anger, excuse yourself from them before you respond. Say something like, “I need to step away for a moment,” and leave the room so you can manage your feelings and practice breathing privately.
It might feel good in the moment to scream and yell or respond with a snarky comment, but you know this isn’t the best way to react, even if the other person is behaving badly. Taking a walk outside, going for a run, or exercising in some way can help diffuse the angry feelings.
4. Identify the root.
When you’re calmer, ask yourself what really made you so angry. How did you feel threatened? This requires some deeper self-inquiry. You might say initially you were angry with your spouse because “He acts like a jerk.” But what is really behind that feeling?
Use this question template to help you: “When my husband (wife, boss, etc.) says (does) _______, it makes me feel ________.” Don’t use the word “angry” or any related word to describe your feelings. Dig out the threat behind the anger. Maybe it makes you feel diminished, unloved, disrespected, stupid, etc.
5. Examine the feelings.
When you come up with the word or words that describe the threat you feel, examine those feelings more closely. Sometimes the feelings are legitimate, healthy responses to unjustified or undeserved treatment.
Other times it’s not so clear. Perhaps someone makes an offhand remark, but you interpret it negatively because you have low self-esteem, or you’re simply feeling tired. Try to step outside of yourself to view the situation with dispassionate eyes.
6. Use the balloon or box trick.
There are some situations that trigger anger, but they aren’t worth expending much time or mental energy. Let’s say someone cuts you off while driving or someone makes a passive-aggressive comment about you. These situations are fleeting and likely won’t happen again with the same person.
Try to visualize your anger as an orb of energy and mentally place it in a balloon. Then release the balloon and imagine it floating away and out of sight. Or mentally put the situation and your anger in a box and put it on a shelf to sort out later when you’re calmer.
7. Write about it.
Writing is a great way to release your anger and explore your feelings. When an anger-triggering situation happens, first just let it flow on the page and discharge all of your angry thoughts. Then write the scenario as if you’re a bystander observing it and chronicle the situation as you remember it.
Examine the emotional threat behind the anger, and write about that as well. Then write a plan for dealing with the situation in a healthy way. What kind of change do you desire? How can you calmly communicate that?
8. View it from the other person’s perspective.
Take a moment to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. What triggered them to say or do the thing that set off your anger? Perhaps they were completely blind to your feelings. Maybe they were tired, distracted, or in emotional pain. Maybe you said or did something that triggered them.
Understanding and empathizing with the other person will help mitigate your angry feelings. Most people are unconscious in the way they react and respond, and they are simply doing the best they know how.
9. Seek honest advice.
When we feel angry, we want other people to corroborate and affirm our feelings. We want someone to say, “You are right, and they are wrong. You are good, and they are bad.” But looking to others to categorically support our position doesn’t serve us. It only provides temporary relief.
Find a trusted friend or counselor, and review the situation and your feelings about it. Seek honest, unbiased feedback so that you can respond in a healthy, productive way when the time comes.
10. Avoid passive-aggressiveness.
Some people don’t have angry outbursts, even when they feel extremely angry. They use passive-aggression to reveal their anger, perhaps thinking it’s a more acceptable, calm response.
Making comments under your breath, giving the silent treatment, or disguising criticism with compliments, are examples of passively showing your anger. But this behavior never really addresses the issue directly and can lead to more anger and frustration. It’s better to say or do nothing until you can communicate your feelings forthrightly and calmly.
11. Expend some energy.
One of the best ways to release the negative energy of anger is by physical exertion. Go outside and take a long run or brisk walk. Do jumping jacks, sprints, or anything that gets your heart pumping.
Physical activities like these will release serotonin in your brain which is a natural calming chemical. But don’t try to release anger by punching a pillow or beating the wall. These angry physical outbursts only increase your anger.
12. Try visualization.
Use all of that emotional energy to focus your mind and visualize yourself as the calm, centered, and the relaxed person you want to be. Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and imagine yourself as completely unruffled, speaking to others in a calm way, and managing the situation without anger.
Envision the person you want to be in the situation, and do your best to emulate this person.
13. Listen to calming music.
Certain music is known to reduce anxiety and agitation. In fact, specific types of music have been scientifically proven to calm the autonomic nervous system, the endocrine, and psychological stress response. Classical music and nature sounds are especially effective.
When something has triggered your anger, try to step away and put in ear buds so the music is delivered directly into your ears without other distractions. Your central nervous system with thank you.