Family can drive you crazy.
Make you laugh. Make you feel loved. Be messy but also be the ones you can always rely on when times are tough.
And in today’s post I want to share 83 of the most witty, relatable and funny family quotes.
I hope you’ll find something here that will make you and your loved ones laugh, that you can share in a card or on social media like Instagram and that will make your friends knowingly chuckle about their own family.
Funny Family Quotes That Will Make You Laugh
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
– George Burns
“If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you’ll be going, ‘You know, we’re alright. We are dang near royalty.’”
– Jeff Foxworthy
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
– Ray Romano
“Families are like fudge – mostly sweet, with a few nuts.”
– Unknown
“The other night, I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”
– George Carlin
“You know what it’s like having five kids? Imagine you’re drowning. And someone hands you a baby.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
– Cary Grant
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”
– Ellen DeGeneres
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
– Wayne Huizenga
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“I don’t have to look up my family tree because I know that I’m the sap.”
– Fred Allen
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”
– Chelsea Handler
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
– P.J. O’Rourke
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
– Phyllis Diller
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”
– Sam Levenson
“Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.”
– Tommy Cooper
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”
– Dave Barry
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
– Emo Philips
“The man who says his wife can’t take a joke forgets that she took him.”
– Oscar Wilde
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
– Rita Rudner
“The first half of our lives are ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.”
– Clarence Darrow
“My family is temperamental. Half temper, half mental.”
– Unknown
Short Funny Family Quotes
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”
– Charlotte Gray
“God gives us our relatives. Thank God we can choose our friends.”
– Ethel Watts Mumford
“Home is wherever my bunch of crazies are.”
– Unknown
“Having one kid makes you a parent. Having two kids makes you a referee.”
– David Frost
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”
– Henny Youngman
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”
– Betty White
“What strange creatures brothers are!”
– Jane Austen
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”
– Spike Milligan
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.”
– Harry Morgan
“No family is complete without an embarrassing uncle.”
– Peter Morgan
“Nothing like watching your relatives fight, I always say.”
– Rick Riordan
“When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.”
– Henry Fielding
“Family group chats: where one person shares exciting news and seven people respond with a thumbs up.”
– Sandra Shea
“Important families are like potatoes. The best parts are underground.”
– Francis Bacon
“All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.”
– W.C. Fields
“Families are about love overcoming emotional torture.”
– Matt Groening
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.”
– Unknown
“Some call it chaos; we call it family.”
– Unknown
“Insanity is hereditary. You can get it from your children.”
– Sam Levenson
Hilarious Family Quotes and Sayings
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
– Jerry Seinfeld
“Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
– Martin Mull
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”
– Dr. Joyce Brothers
“There is no cure for laziness, but a large family helps.”
– Herbert V. Prochnow
“If you want to call a family meeting, just turn off the Wi-Fi router and wait in the room in which it is located.”
– Unknown
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance – waiting for the bathroom.”
– Bob Hope
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”
– Phyllis Diller
“If you don’t believe in ghosts, you’ve never been to a family reunion.”
– Ashleigh Brilliant
“It’s that special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to look at their cellphones.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.”
– Clint Eastwood
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school, I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
– Gracie Allen
“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.”
– Bernard Manning
“A family reunion is an effective form of birth control.”
– Robert A. Heinlein
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
– Jeff Foxworthy
“I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.”
– Lewis Grizzard
“Children do seem to have a sixth sense for knowing exactly when you sit down to eat something you don’t want to share.”
– Sarah Kelly
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”
– Janet Periat
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
– Ralph Bus
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
– Phyllis Diller
“I smile because you’re my family; I laugh because there’s nothing you can do about it!”
– Unknown
Relatable Funny Family Quotes to Make You Chuckle
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
– P.J. O’Rourke
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”
– Lemony Snicket
“If you’re not yelling at your kids, then you’re not spending enough time with them!”
– Mark Ruffalo
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”
– Unknown
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”
– Rick Riordan
“Family is just an accident. They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
– Marsha Norman
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”
– Pam Brown
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”
– Sean Covey
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”
– Barbara Delinsky
“A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it.”
– Marcelene Cox
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”
– Liam Gallagher
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”
– Esther Friesner
“The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.”
– Jean Kerr
“Family: a social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.”
– Evan Esar
“In some families, ‘please’ is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was ‘sorry.’”
– Margaret Laurence
“Family jokes, though rightly cursed by strangers, are the bond that keeps most families alive.”
– Stella Benson
“It was nice growing up with someone like you – someone to lean on, someone to count on, someone to tell on!”
– Unknown
“There’s nothing that makes you more insane than family. Or more happy. Or more exasperated. Or more secure.”
– Jim Butcher
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”
– Pearl Cleage
Want more relatable quotes about family? Then check out these family quotes and sayings, the short family quotes here and also this post with lots of family isn’t always blood quotes.