The last month of the year is here.
A December that’s filled with end of year to-do lists, preparations for the holidays and family gatherings.
It can be a bit stressful. So to help you out with that I’d like to share 93 of the most hilarious, positive and funny December quotes.
I hope you’ll find something here to lighten your mood, lower your stress levels and make this a happy and positive month for you.
Funny December Quotes That Will Make You Smile
“December is the toughest month of the year. Others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, October, August, and February.”
– Mark Twain
“December is the month when kids stop being nice and start being perfect angels.”
– Stephen Colbert
“It is December, and nobody asked if I was ready.”
– Sarah Kay
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
– Dave Barry
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“In December, even my coffee needs a sweater.”
– Dave Barry
“December is when I finally admit that those summer clothes aren’t going to fit anymore.”
– Nora Ephron
“My December diet plan consists of eating everything before January 1st.”
– Andy Borowitz
“The only thing colder than December is my ex’s heart.”
– Unknown
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Rainbow Rowell
“The only thing more overwhelming than December’s darkness is December’s to-do list.”
– Unknown
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
– Robert Byrne
“It was so cold I almost got married.”
– Shelley Winters
“It was so cold today that I saw a dog chasing a cat, and the dog was walking.”
– Mickey Rivers
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
– Geraldo Rivera
“I’m not going outside until the temperature is above my age.”
– Unknown
Funny December Quotes for a Joyful Christmas
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.”
– Shirley Temple
“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.”
– Dave Barry
“You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.”
– Robert Paul
“There’s no experience quite like cutting your own live Christmas tree out of your neighbor’s yard.”
– Dan Florence
“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.”
– Andy Borowitz
“Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.”
– Phyllis Diller
“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.”
– Victor Borge
“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.”
– Johnny Carson
“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.”
– Larry Wilde
“Christmas: the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of socks.”
– Unknown
“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘Toys not included.’”
– Bernard Manning
“Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.”
– Wendy Cope
“Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.”
– Kin Hubbard
“The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.”
– Johnny Carson
“I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.”
– Henny Youngman
“Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.”
– Andy Borowitz
“What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.”
– Don Marquis
“Christmas is the season when people run out of money before they run out of friends.”
– Larry Wilde
“All I want for Christmas is you… to gain weight with me.”
– Mindy Kaling
“Dear Santa, before I explain, how much do you know already?”
– Jerry Seinfeld
Hilarious December Quotes for a Fun and Happy Start to Winter
“Welcome to winter, when fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.”
– Kelley Armstrong
“Snow is like a manic pixie dream girl: fun and whimsical when you encounter it only through the barrier of a movie screen – but absolute misery to have to put up with in real life.”
– Alexandra Petri
“Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.”
– Bill Watterson
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
– Richard Brautigan
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
“For every snowflake that falls, an idiot forgets how to drive.”
– Unknown
“Minneapolis has two seasons: Road Removal and Snow Repair.”
– Steven Brust
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.”
– Jarod Kintz
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing.”
– Ranulph Fiennes
“Every mile is two in the winter.”
– George Herbert
“I cannot feel my legs from the waist down any longer. But who cares? I look good and that’s all that matters. And when I die of hypothermia for wearing formal shorts in winter, tell them to put that on my tombstone.”
– Eliza Coupe
“There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.”
– Billy Connolly
“One of the very best reasons for having children is to be reminded of the incomparable joys of a snow day.”
– Susan Orlean
“People don’t notice whether it’s winter or summer when they’re happy.”
– Anton Chekhov
“I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else – I don’t want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow.”
– Douglas Coupland
“Noses are red. Fingers are blue. I’m tired of winter. How about you?”
– Unknown
Funny December Quotes for a Positive and Happy New Year
“An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.”
– William E. Vaughan
“A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.”
– Oscar Wilde
“I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser.”
– Robert Paul
“You know how I always dread the whole year? Well, this time I’m only going to dread one day at a time.”
– Charlie Brown
“New year, new me? Nah, I’m good.”
– Debbie Moore
“Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.”
– Unknown
“Every New Year’s I have the same question: How did I get home?”
– Melanie White
“New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.”
– James Agate
“It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.”
– William Thomas
“My New Year’s resolution list usually starts with the desire to lose between ten and three thousand pounds.”
– Nia Vardalos
“Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.”
– Bill Vaughan
“I can’t believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person.”
– Sandra Shea
“May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.”
– Joey Lauren Adams
“Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“My New Year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either wine, vodka, or whiskey.”
– Blackie Lawless
“My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my TV.”
– Sam Williams
“This year I resolve to make no resolutions, and I’m sticking to it!”
– Margaret Cho
“Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn’t it, of a long line of proven criminals?”
– Ogden Nash
“New diet starts tomorrow. Again.”
– Unknown
“My New Year’s Resolution was to read more… I should have specified books.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“Here’s to pretending 2026 will be better!”
– Sarah Kelly
Funny December Quotes on Snow and Winter
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.”
– Gary D. Schmidt
“It is impossible, to me at least, to be poetical in cold weather.”
– George Eliot
“The snow doesn’t give a soft white damn whom it touches.”
– E. E. Cummings
“Advice is like the snow. The softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon and the deeper it sinks into the mind.”
– Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“So cold up north that the birds can’t hardly fly. I’m going back south and let this winter pass on by.”
– Muddy Waters
“No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn.”
– Hal Borland
“Nothing burns like the cold.”
– George R. R. Martin
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
“My old grandmother always used to say, Summer friends will melt away like summer snows, but winter friends are friends forever.”
– George R.R. Martin
“The first snow is like the first love.”
– Lara Biyuts
“The world was furred with late spring snow. It was the soft, thick stuff that excites you unless you are driving or half dead, packing snow already falling in caterpillars off the greening branches.”
– Marian Engel
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
“How many lessons of faith and beauty we should lose, if there were no winter in our year!”
– Thomas Wentworth Higginson
“To appreciate the beauty of a snowflake it is necessary to stand out in the cold.”
– Aristotle
“Winter, I wrote, was akin to living inside a refrigerator.”
– Okey Ndibe
Want more laughs and inspiration for your holiday season? Then check out the funny Christmas quotes here, these funny New Year quotes and also this one with short and uplifting Christmas quotes.