On some days life can feel a bit too serious or overwhelming.
Or just plain dumb, weird or boring.
If any of those things are the case for you today then this post will help you out.
In it I want to share 120 of the most witty, unhinged, absurd and crazy funny quotes.
I hope you’ll find something here to make you laugh, release a bit of stress and help you to regain some of your sanity in this sometimes crazy world of ours.
Funny Crazy Quotes That Will Make You Laugh
“In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”
– Douglas Adams
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.”
– Emo Philips
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
– Will Rogers
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
– Damien Fahey
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
– Jack Handey
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
– Dave Barry
“Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”
– George Carlin
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
– Navjot Singh Sidhu
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
– Jerry Seinfeld
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”
– Ellen DeGeneres
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”
– Earl Wilson
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
– Jerry Seinfeld
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
– Betty White
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
– Jay Leno
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
– Bob Hope
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
– Tina Fey
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
– Phyllis Diller
“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.”
– Clint Eastwood
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
– Bill Murray
“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”
– Michael Scott (from the TV-show The Office)
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
– Dave Barry
“If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.”
– Clark Griswold (from the movie National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation)
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
– Erma Bombeck
Funny Crazy Quotes That Will Make You Think
“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”
– Albert Einstein
“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”
– Elbert Hubbard
“Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.”
– Stephen Hawking
“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.”
– Charles Bukowski
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
– Tom Clancy
“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”
– Rita Mae Brown
“Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.”
– Groucho Marx
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.”
– Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
– Stephen Hawking
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
– Thomas A. Edison
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
– Theodore Roosevelt
“It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane.”
– Philip K. Dick
“All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That’s how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day.”
– Alan Moore
“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”
– Terry Pratchett
“Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that’s where it should stay.”
– Christopher Hitchens
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
– Albert Einstein
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
– George Carlin
“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.”
– Horace Walpole
“The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.”
– Lily Tomlin
“A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?”
– Albert Einstein
“The three most harmful addictions are heroin, carbohydrates, and a monthly salary.”
– Nassim Nicholas Taleb
“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”
– Douglas Adams
“Crazy people are considered mad by the rest of the society only because their intelligence isn’t understood.”
– Wei Hui
“All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”
– Blaise Pascal
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
– Thomas Edison
“There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”
– Oscar Levant
“I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.”
– Edgar Allan Poe
Short, Funny and Crazy Quotes
“Don’t Panic.”
– Douglas Adams
“When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”
– Yogi Berra
“Nothing is real.”
– John Lennon
“Buy the ticket, take the ride.”
– Hunter S. Thompson
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
– Steven Wright
“I don’t do drugs. I am drugs.”
– Salvador Dalí
“Born to lose. Live to win.”
– Lemmy Kilmister
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedberg
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”
– Warren Zevon
“Too weird to live, too rare to die!”
– Hunter S. Thompson
“It ain’t over till it’s over.”
– Yogi Berra
“Go ahead, make my day.”
– Clint Eastwood
“Trust me. I’m a genius.”
– Eoin Colfer
“Sane is boring.”
– R.A. Salvatore
“When nothing is going right, go left.”
– Unknown
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
– Marc Maron
“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
– Oscar Wilde
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
– Charlie Chaplin
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
– Will Rogers
“I am not strange. I am just not normal.”
– Salvador Dalí
“Music is my religion.”
– Jimi Hendrix
“So long, and thanks for all the fish.”
– Douglas Adams
“Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.”
– Tina Fey
“I can resist everything except temptation.”
– Oscar Wilde
“You can’t fix stupid.”
– Ron White
“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
– George Carlin
“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.”
– Katharine Hepburn
“Instant gratification takes too long.”
– Carrie Fisher
“I’m addicted to placebos.”
– Steven Wright
“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”
– Steven Wright
Weird and Witty Quotes and Sayings
“If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn’t. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn’t be. And what it wouldn’t be, it would. You see?”
– Lewis Carroll
“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”
– Bryan White
“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.”
– Jack Kerouac
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
– Miles Kington
“There is only one difference between a madman and myself. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad.”
– Salvador Dalí
“A mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work if it is not open.”
– Frank Zappa
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”
– Mark Twain
“I think it would be great to be born on Earth and to die on Mars. Just hopefully not at the point of impact.”
– Elon Musk
“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”
– Douglas Adams
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.”
– Bill Murray
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
– A. A. Milne
“Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
“I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.”
– Dave Barry
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
– Bill Watterson
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
– Mitch Hedberg
“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
– Steven Wright
“Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.”
– Terry Pratchett
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
– W. C. Fields
Hilarious and Crazy Quotes
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”
– Groucho Marx
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
– Abraham Lincoln
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
– George Burns
“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.”
– Oscar Wilde
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
– Jim Carrey
“I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.”
– Tommy Cooper
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
– Sir Norman Wisdom
“Always borrow money from a pessimist. They won’t expect it back.”
– Oscar Wilde
“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”
– Arthur C. Clarke
“I never forget a face – but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
– Groucho Marx
“Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?”
– John Barrymore
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
– Will Ferrell
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
– Sam Ewing
“I’m not crazy. My reality is just different than yours.”
– Cheshire Cat (from the book Alice in Wonderland)
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
– Steven Wright
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
– Samuel Goldwyn
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
– Dalai Lama
“If you can’t convince them, confuse them.”
– Harry S. Truman
Want more laughs? Then check out these hilarious quotes about life, the funny quotes about love here and also these hilarious work quotes.