Dating can be a confusing experience but also a wonderful thing when you find someone you truly connect with.
And in today’s post I want to share lots of hilarious truths about romantic meetings, love and relationships.
This is 83 of the most relatable, witty and funny quotes about dating.
I hope you’ll find something here to make you laugh about the sometimes odd and absurd dating experience and make you feel less stressed and overwhelmed about it.
But also something you can use in a card, in group chats or on Instagram to spread the laughs to friends and family too.
Funny Quotes About Dating That Will Make You Laugh
“Dating is where you pretend you’re someone you’re not to impress someone you don’t know.”
– Melanie White
“Odds on meeting a single man: 1 in 23; a cute, single man: 1 in 429; a cute, single, smart man: 1 in 3,245,873; when you look your best: 1 in a billion.”
– Lorna Adler
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
– Jim Bishop
“I was dating a guy for a while because he told me he had an incurable disease. I didn’t realize it was stupidity.”
– Gracie Hart
“A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows.”
– Monica Piper
“What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?”
– Jerry Seinfeld
“I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.”
– Wendy Liebman
“I’m dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.”
– Garry Shandling
“My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away.”
– Jenny McCarthy
“I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed.”
– Dave Attell
“My father always said, ‘Be the kind they marry, not the kind they date.’ So on our first date, I’d nag the guy for a new dishwasher.”
– Kris McGaha
“I hate first dates. I made the mistake of telling my date a lie about myself, and she caught me – I didn’t think she’d actually demand to see the bat cave.”
– Alex Reed
“I was out on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun until we ran out of quarters.”
– Susie Loucks
“Whenever I want a really nice meal, I start dating again.”
– Susan Healy
“I asked this one girl out, and she said, ‘You got a friend?’ I said yes; she said, ‘Then go out with him.’”
– Dom Irrera
“I’d just like to meet a girl with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.”
– Steve Martin
“I want a man who is kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?”
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Everyone says that looks don’t matter, age doesn’t matter, money doesn’t matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who’s broke.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
“Online dating is like online shopping except you’re looking for people no one wants, and it’s $50 a month.”
– Phil Pivnick
“They say you should date your best friend. My best friend said: no, we’re not doing that.”
– Unknown
“Dating is a lot like sports. You have to practice; you work out; you study the greats. You hope to make the team, and it hurts to be cut.”
– Sinbad
Short and Hilarious Quotes About Dating
“Save a boyfriend for a rainy day – and another, in case it doesn’t rain.”
– Mae West
“I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.”
– Mitch Hedberg
“Love is being stupid together.”
– Paul Valéry
“It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes.”
– Lucille Ball
“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?”
– Lily Tomlin
“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”
– Joan Rivers
“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.”
– Richard Jeni
“I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.”
– Steven Wright
“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.”
– Rita Rudner
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
– Groucho Marx
“Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one.”
– Fran Lebowitz
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.”
– Dolly Parton
“Love is sharing your popcorn.”
– Charles Schulz
“Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.”
– Albert Einstein
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.”
– Tim Allen
“Love is a grave mental illness.”
– Plato
“If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?”
– Dorothy Parker
“Love; a temporary insanity curable by marriage.”
– Ambrose Bierce
“Never sign a Valentine with your own name.”
– Charles Dickens
“I love you and it’s getting worse.”
– Joseph E. Morris
“You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.”
– Henny Youngman
Funny Quotes on Dating and Relationships
“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”
– Albert Einstein
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”
– Chelsea Handler
“True love is singing karaoke ‘Under Pressure’ and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part.”
– Mindy Kaling
“Going out with a jerky guy is kind of like having a piece of food caught in your teeth. All your friends notice it before you do.”
– Livia Squires
“A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to get bangs every other month.”
– Dax Shepard
“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.”
– Chris Rock
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.”
– Will Ferrell
“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”
– Bob Ettinger
“Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.”
– Helen Rowland
“The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prisons, they let you play softball on the weekends.”
– Agatha Christie
“My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.”
– Emo Philips
“What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.”
– Cindy Gardner
“The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them must be good at taking orders.”
– Linda Festa
“Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?”
– Rita Rudner
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”
– Michelle Obama
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
– Rita Rudner
“As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy.”
– Ralphie May
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”
– Billy Connolly
“Employees make the best dates. You don’t have to pick them up, and they’re always tax-deductible.”
– Andy Warhol
“My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.”
– Ray Romano
“Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you’d be surprised at the large number that re-enlists.”
– James Garner
Funny Quotes on True Love and Dating to Make You Smile
“Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.”
– George Burns
“Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore.”
– Bree Luckey
“True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.”
– Erich Segal
“A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.”
– Les Dawson
“Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.”
– Jules Renard
“Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.”
– Oscar Wilde
“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.”
– Joan Crawford
“You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.”
– Hussein Nishah
“Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.”
– Carroll Bryant
“Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.”
– Cathy Carlyle
“I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.”
– David Bissonette
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”
– Richard Lewis
“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
– Phyllis Diller
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else.”
– Jean Kerr
“By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”
– Socrates
“One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.”
– Oscar Wilde
“If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji – no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.”
– Chelsea Peretti
“A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he’s finished.”
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.”
– Mae West
Want more laughs and insights about love and relationships? Then check out this post with funny love quotes, this one with short quotes about love and also this one with lots of funny friendship quotes.