I’ve suffered with depression all my life. I’ve undergone myriad treatments, including three regimens of ECT, TMS, and dozens of antidepressants. None mitigated my depression in any significant or lasting way.
Learning what I need has been a gradual process of baby steps. But I am finally finding what helps me cope with my depression and gives me a degree of relief in the daily, even hourly struggle.
Working Out
If you’re coping with depression, being active can feel like the last thing you want to do. But I’m proof that working out, regardless of how you feel about doing it, is worth it. A good workout can be invigorating. It can help you restart yourself.
I do vigorous workouts every day that my 72-year-old body is not rehabbing from one thing or another. When I was younger I worked out twice a day: once in the morning and again in the afternoon to reenergize myself. I get on the bike or the elliptical for 50 minutes no matter how I feel. I’ll be honest: I dread it. Before I begin, in my heart, soul and mind I do not believe it is going to help. That is how mired I am in my depression.
But every morning, I say to myself, “Just look at this like an experiment. Just do it and see if you feel better afterwards.” And I begin. When I begin the first 15 seconds feel like an hour and I find myself thinking, “I cannot do 50 minutes of this.” Then I tell myself to focus only on the minute at hand. I tell myself not to think or worry about the next minute or the one after that, only the minute I am in. One minute at a time, I count down until I am finished. And, with each advancing minute . . . I eventually get to the end.
It helps. Every single time, I always feel better. I have accomplished something very real and achieved a goal I had set out for myself, which is always gratifying. And of course the endorphins are flowing. That helps too.
In my darkest days, until the age of 60, the energy boost and mind boost might last only 15 minutes or a few hours. But I always figured something is better than nothing. Now that I am 12 years into this continuing transformation, my workout leaves me boosted for the whole day. And if I find myself stuck in an energy-depleting situation I think back to my workout that morning. It gives me a sense of satisfaction, of a job well done, and leftover endorphins.
Taking A Trip
Sometimes a change of scenery helps you gain a new perspective on your life at home. It can help you see the people at home, your life and your routine, in a new way. Seeing new things and meeting new people can give you a new perspective on your partner, family, and friends—and, more importantly, a new perspective on yourself. You discover things about who you are, what you need, and what you want.
I was forced to quit my community college teaching job when it became too dangerous. I had no choice, but I knew I was going to miss the lifeline of routine and focus it had provided. I needed a new structure-and-focus lifeline to keep myself from falling back into the abyss without it.
What I grabbed onto was to follow Bruce Springsteen’s tour in Australia. Why? Because in the year since he had come into my life, his energy, his humanity and enthusiasm lifted me. He made me feel like I had a chance. He made me feel alive. I hoped that by harnessing some of his wonderful Springsteen magic I would be able to keep myself out of the abyss.
I hate to travel and I hate to be alone. I hadn’t known who Springsteen was at all a year earlier. I did not go on this trip to change myself. I just went for structure and focus: he was on tour and all I had to do was get myself to each venue, in each city, to see the concert. But I came back a different person.
For the first time in my life I had a positive ball of energy and a story about me that I was proud of, a story I wanted to tell. The kindness of strangers in Australia had a big impact. At home people rolled their eyes when I told them I was chasing a rock star across the world. They didn’t appreciate, care or understand that I was fighting for my life. In Australia, many people called me courageous. Young people told me they couldn’t get their mothers off the couch to go to a movie or volunteer at a church bazaar – things they had done before they retired.
Each time someone said something positive about me, as disbelieving as I was, I stepped outside myself and tried to see the me they were seeing. Bruce Springsteen and the people I met in Australia helped me begin to see myself and my place in the world in a new more positive way.
Music
Music has so much power. It can transport you to a new mindset. It can fill you and lift you. Music can go directly to your heart and soul and enable you to feel things you have never experienced before.
For me, onstage Bruce Springsteen casts a magic spell. He anchors you to each moment, to himself, and to the thousands of other fans in the arena. You are dancing, clapping and smiling – not thinking about the past moment or the next moment. You are simply and wholly in each and every moment with The Boss and the thousands of others around you.
You do not feel alone. Feelings blossom from deep down within you. You don’t think about being in a spell. You don’t think about feeling alive. You are alive. You are alive in the here and now, with this man, with these people. You want for nothing. You have it all.
Years after those concerts, when I listen to The Boss’s music I can recreate these wondrous feelings.
Writing
Write about what you are seeing, feeling and doing. Write to feel connected to people and connected to yourself.
When I came back from my trip, I realized I had a story to tell: about how to begin to feel better, move forward, begin to learn how to dream and even have fun. About persevering, hoping and being open. I wanted to be part of a conversation about how not to give up. A conversation about it never being too late. I believe that sometimes, just by sharing our stories with one another, we can offer each other a glimmer of hope, inspiration and even some fun.
Perseverance
“All you have to do is try. If you try and fail, it’s okay. Because no one can do more than try.” That’s what I told myself, and I recommend it. Say it over and over. Know you’re doing your best. That’s all anyone can ask of themselves. And, by doing that, you have your self-respect. Just keep moving forward, and give yourself credit for it.
I believe in baby steps. Any amount of forward movement, any amount of feeling better is a win. One day and one step at a time. Even on my worst days, I’d drag myself to that exercise bike. Even though I was terrified to get on the plane to Australia, I didn’t back out. I made myself go. As long as I tried, even if I didn’t succeed, at least I had the satisfaction and self-respect to know I had done all I could possibly do. I embraced perseverance, hope, and being open to where I was and with whom I was.
One night Springsteen went back and forth across the stage, saying, “How do you get through the day? How do you get through the day and stay alive inside?” Watching The Boss go back and forth I thought, “If Bruce Springsteen can say this to an arena full of fans, I must not be the only one feeling like this. It’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to struggle and to try and try again.” It was validating to me to hear him say this and to know I was not alone. And that it was important to keep trying. It made me hopeful.
Learning how to manage my lifelong struggle with depression was always a goal, and now I’m able to finally do it. It’s those baby steps that make all the difference. Well, that, and an aging rock star.
Author Bio
Anne Abel is an author, storyteller, and influencer. Her first memoir, Mattie, Milo, and Me (2024) was inspired by her Moth StorySLAM win in New York City. She holds an MFA from the New School for Social Research, an MBA from the University of Chicago, and a BS in chemical engineering from Tufts. She has freelanced for multiple outlets and was featured in Newsweek’s, “Boomer’s Story About How She Met Her Husband of 45 Years Captivates Internet.” Her new book, inspired by her Moth StorySLAM win in Chicago, is High Hopes: A Memoir. She lives in New York City with her husband, Andy, and their cavapoo puppy, Wendell. Find her on anneabelauthor.com, and on Facebook, Instagram, and Tik Tok @annesimaabel.