A new year is just around the corner. Filled with new chances and possibilities.
And while those fresh starts and big dreams can be exciting, it can also honestly be kinda stressful with all those expectations and resolutions floating around.
So to help you to not just go for your goals and dreams in 2025 but also to laugh more, stress less and not take things too seriously I’d like to share 101 funny New Year’s quotes.
I hope you’ll find something here that’ll help you to relieve a bit of stress, find a healthier balance and to simply make you smile or laugh. And something that you can send on to a friend or family member that may need those things too as we begin this year.
Funny New Year’s Quotes for More Laughs and Less Stress
“An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.”
– William E. Vaughan
“A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.”
– Oscar Wilde
“Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.”
– Unknown
“I would say happy new year, but it’s not happy; it’s exactly the same as last year except colder.”
– Robert Clark
“Every New Year’s I have the same question: How did I get home?”
– Melanie White
“New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.”
– James Agate
“It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.”
– William Thomas
“My new year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my new year’s resolutions.”
– Unknown
“Deep breaths are very helpful at shallow parties.”
– Barbara Walters
“My New Year’s resolution list usually starts with the desire to lose between ten and three thousand pounds.”
– Nia Vardalos
“Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.”
– Bill Vaughan
“If you want an interesting party, combine cocktails and a fresh box of crayons for everyone.”
– Robert Fulghum
“I can’t believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person.”
– Sandra Shea
“New Year’s is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don’t want you reusing last year’s calendar.”
– Unknown
“May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.”
– Joey Lauren Adams
“What the new year brings to you will depend a great deal on what you bring to the new year.”
– Vern McLellan
“Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“My New Year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either wine, vodka, or whiskey.”
– Blackie Lawless
“I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser.”
– Robert Paul
Funny New Year’s Quotes with “Good” Advice for 2025
“Don’t be so worried about what you eat between Christmas and New Year’s. Worry more about what you eat between New Year’s and Christmas.”
– Unknown
“Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost.”
– Ellen DeGeneres
“Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.”
– Oprah Winfrey
“I think I made too many New Year’s resolutions this year. I’m already failing at being a better person.”
– Sarah Kelly
“Let’s not spend New Year’s Eve trying to figure out where to spend New Year’s Eve.” —Unknown
“You know how I always dread the whole year? Well, this time I’m only going to dread one day at a time.”
– Charlie Brown
“Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better person.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Many years ago, I resolved never to bother with New Year’s resolutions, and I’ve stuck with it ever since.”
– Dave Beard
“My new year’s resolution is to stop pretending to know what ‘auld lang syne’ means.”
– Bob Simmons
“I would rather make New Year’s goals than New Year’s resolutions. My goals are to eat more, sleep more, and be as lazy as possible.”
– Jim Harper
“Remember when we were young and wanted to stay up for New Year’s? Now we’re old and all we want to do is sleep.”
– Sarah Silverman
“The new year is a time to start afresh, to start things all over again, but then you realize things are too complicated and you can’t begin again.”
– Unknown
“My resolution is to read more. What I mean is spending more time scrolling through other people’s social media posts.”
– Jay Thomas
“A New Year’s resolution is something that makes you anxious until February when you can forget about it.”
– Dave Barry
“This year I resolve to make no resolutions, and I’m sticking to it!”
– Margaret Cho
“Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn’t it, of a long line of proven criminals?”
– Ogden Nash
“This year, my resolution is to make no promises I can’t keep.”
– Lewis Black
Funny New Year’s Quotes for Friends
“Here’s to another year of pretending I like you people.”
– Sandra Shea
“I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.”
– Unknown
“To all my friends: May we stay friends until we die. Then may we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare people.”
– Anna Davis
“A true friend is someone who thinks you’re a good egg even though they know you’re slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
“To my friends: Thanks for accepting me even though I’m a hot mess.”
– Anna Kendrick
“May your New Year be filled with peace, love, and a WiFi connection that actually works.”
– Unknown
“Here’s to another year of terrible decisions with wonderful friends.”
– Alice Jones
“New Year’s Eve is like any other evening, except that on this particular evening, half the world is trying to look happy.”
– Charles Lamb
“My friend’s resolution is to quit all his bad habits. And so I am no longer in his life this year.”
– Unknown
“A friend gave me a lift to the gym. That’s the most progress I’ve made on my New Year’s resolution so far.”
– Fay Collins
“This year, we resolve to leave parties early with a French exit. Irish goodbyes are so 2024.”
– Unknown
“Sorry for all the annoying behavior I did throughout the year. May you give me another chance to do that in the next new year!”
– Unknown
“May your New Year’s Eve be better than mine – I’ll likely be spending it with my cat and a bottle of champagne.”
– Sandra Shea
“Happy New Year! I promise you, this year will be exactly the same as the last, you’ll just be a little older.”
– Unknown
“Here’s to another year of friendship, laughter, and pretending we’re still in our twenties.”
– Sarah Kelly
“I promise that this year too, I won’t let you do stupid things alone.”
– Unknown
“New year, same friends, bigger plans, worse decisions.”
– Deddie Moore
I love how we’re all going to take credit for each other’s accomplishments this year.”
– Sam Williams
Funny Quotes on New Year’s Resolutions
“My New Year’s resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic… yeah, right.”
– Richard Lewis
“A New Year’s resolution is just a to-do list for the first week of January.”
– Unknown
“Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution.”
– Jay Leno
“My New Year’s resolution was to stop saying ‘You go, girl’ to myself.”
– Zach Galifianakis
“This resolution feels different from all the other ones I’ve broken.”
– Bob Simmons
“He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; he who makes one is a fool.”
– Farquhar McGillivray Knowles
“Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.”
– Mark Twain
“Last year’s resolution was to lose 20 pounds by Christmas. Only 30 pounds to go.”
— Unknown
“I’m going to stay up late this New Year’s Eve – not to ring in the New Year, but to make sure this one leaves.”
– Jay Thomas
“I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning, and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.”
— Anaïs Nin
“My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my TV.”
– Sam Williams
“New Year’s resolutions work like this: you think of something you enjoy doing and then resolve to stop doing it.”
– Charlie Brooker
“My New Year’s resolution is to break my New Year’s resolutions. That way I succeed at something!”
– Ally Carter
“This New Year’s I was going to make a resolution never to be late again, but I didn’t wake up until January 2.”
– Melanie White
“May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall!”
– Aleister Crowley
“Many years ago, I made a New Year’s resolution to never make New Year’s resolutions. Hell, it’s been the only resolution I’ve ever kept!”
– D.S. Mixell
“The road to my fitness goal is paved with the Snickers I’m gonna eat today.”
– Fay Collins
“I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks.”
– Totie Fields
“If you decide to cut something out this year, try replacing it with something else to balance out the loss. If you stop drinking soda, for example, replace it with becoming more sedentary. You deserve it. You loved soda.”
– Colin Nissan
“My New Year’s resolution is to tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.”
– Hunar Hali
“I’m not making any New Year’s resolutions this year. I already have enough rules I don’t follow.”
– Jim Harper
Short Funny New Year’s Quotes
“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
– Betty White
“My New Year’s resolution is 1080p.”
– Steven Wright
“Error 404: Resolution Not Found.”
– Chris Hardwick
“New Year, Same Me. I’m reliable like that.”
– Unknown
“I don’t know where I’m going from here, but I promise it won’t be boring.”
– David Bowie
“I’m not going to make any New Year’s resolutions because nobody else seems to keep theirs.”
– Sam Williams
“You can get excited about the future. The past won’t mind.”
– Hillary DePiano
“Live every day like it’s your last, and one day you’ll be right.”
– Norm Macdonald
“Here’s to pretending 2025 will be better!”
– Sarah Kelly
“New diet starts tomorrow. Again.”
– Unknown
“Why do they call it New Year’s Eve? It’s the same old December.”
– Milton Berle
“Good parties create a temporary youthfulness.”
– Mason Cooley
“I’m walking into 2025 with a clear heart and mind. If you owe me, don’t worry about it – you’re welcome.”
– Bob Simmons
“Every man regards his own life as the New Year’s Eve of time.”
– Jean Paul Richter
“Same crisis, different day.”
– Unknown
“The new year begins in a snow-storm of white vows.”
– George William Curtis
“My New Year’s Resolution was to read more… I should have specified books.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“My resolution is to not make any this year. I’m ahead of schedule.”
– Unknown
“New year, new me? Nah, I’m good.”
– Debbie Moore
Want more inspiration and positive thoughts for the start of this year? Then have a look at these 101 inspirational New Year’s quotes, the short New Year’s captions in this post and the winter quotes here. Plus, these beautiful December quotes and these positive January captions.