One of the best ways to relax, release a bit of stress and brighten your outlook in daily life is in my experience to have a few good laughs.
To take a quick laugh break for a couple of minutes and read a few comic strips, watch some fun short videos or listen to your favorite funny podcast.
And in today’s post I’d like to help out with that too and share 151 of the wittiest and best short funny quotes.
Take a break with them to get a few good laughs, relax and to not take life too seriously.
And share them with favorite co-workers or loved ones to help them have a better and less stressful day too.
Short Funny Quotes and Sayings About Life
“Reality continues to ruin my life.”
– Bill Watterson
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
– Steven Wright
“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.”
– Albert Einstein
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
– Zach Galifianakis
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles M. Schulz
“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”
– Elbert Hubbard
“Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans.”
– Allen Saunders
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”
– Cathy Guisewite
“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”
– Robert Frost
“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”
– Douglas Adams
“I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
– Unknown
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
– A. A. Milne
“Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.”
– Stephen Hawking
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
– Steve Martin
“Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something.”
– Mitch Hedberg
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
– George Burns
“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
– Unknown
“I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.”
– Carrie Bradshaw
“This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.”
– George V. Higgins
“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.”
– Isaac Asimov
“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.”
– Katharine Hepburn
“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
– Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
– Unknown
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”
– Lily Tomlin
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
– Jack Handey
“Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.”
– Golda Meir
Short Funny Quotes for Work
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”
– Charles Lamb
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
– Scott Adams
“I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”
– Jerome K. Jerome
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?”
– Edgar Bergen
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
– Oscar Wilde
“When in doubt, look intelligent.”
– Garrison Keillor
“I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
– Kevin Malone
“The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.”
– Bill Maher
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
– Thomas A. Edison
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
– George Carlin
“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.”
– Mark Twain
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
– Joe Girard
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
– Samuel Goldwyn
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.”
– Will Rogers
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence – then success is sure.”
– Mark Twain
“No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.”
– Groucho Marx
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.”
– Sarah Brown
“Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.”
– Robert Benchley
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
– Henry Kissinger
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.”
– Bill Murray
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like and do what you’d rather not.”
– Mark Twain
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
– Mitch Hedberg
Short Funny Quotes About Old Age
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
– George Burns
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
– Sir Norman Wisdom
“If I had known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.”
– Mickey Mantle
“Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.”
– Jennifer Yane
“The older I get, the better I used to be.”
– Lee Trevino
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.”
– Lucille Ball
“Age is something that doesn’t matter unless you are a cheese.”
– Luis Buñuel
“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”
– Joan Rivers
“People say, ‘How you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors and good makeup.”
– Dolly Parton
“I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.”
– Stephen Fry
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
“The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.”
– Betty White
“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”
– Bob Hope
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’”
– Claude Pepper
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
– Phyllis Diller
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
– George Burns
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.”
– Shirley MacLaine
“You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.”
– Ogden Nash
“I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age, I’m very pleased to be anywhere.”
– George Burns
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
– Helen Rowland
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
– Dave Barry
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
– Betty White
“Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.”
– John Wagner
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”
– Ellen DeGeneres
“At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At age 40, we don’t care what they think of us. At age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.”
– Ann Landers
Short Funny Quotes on Friendship
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
– Greg Tamblyn
“Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.”
– Hugh Kingsmill
“A good friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move a body.”
– Unknown
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
– Bob Hope
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
– Linda Grayson
“My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem, but they don’t really know me.”
– Garry Shandling
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
– Oscar Wilde
“If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.”
– Alice Roosevelt Longworth
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
– Noel Coward
“Well, you know what they say: If you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me.”
– Clairee Belcher
“Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company.”
– Mark Twain
“Friends make you smile – best friends make you giggle ’til you pee your pants.”
– Terri Guillemets
“Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with.”
– Robert Brault
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
– Erma Bombeck
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.’”
– Groucho Marx
“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re OK, then it’s you.”
– Rita Mae Brown
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
– Abraham Lincoln
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
“In the cookie of life, friends are chocolate chips.”
– Salman Rushdie
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
– Eleanor Roosevelt
“I was an innocent being, then my best friends came along.”
– Sarah Kelly
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”
– Groucho Marx
“A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.”
– Arnold H. Glasgow
“The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.”
– Mark Twain
Short Funny Quotes About Life Lessons
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
– Steven Wright
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
– Dave Barry
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
– Will Rogers
“Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.”
– Terry Pratchett
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
– Unknown
“If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.”
– Judith Martin
“A learning experience is one of those things that says, ‘You know that thing you just did? Don’t do that.’”
– Douglas Adams
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
– Miles Kington
“If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”
– Steven Wright
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
– W. C. Fields
“Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”
– Isaac Asimov
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
– Denis Waitley
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
– Albert Einstein
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
– William James
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
– Ashleigh Brilliant
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
– Steven Wright
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these words: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
– Polish Proverb
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
– George Carlin
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’”
– Sydney J. Harris
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
– George Carlin
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
– E. B. White
“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
– George Carlin
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
– Oscar Wilde
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
– Winston Churchill
Short Funny Quotes About Love
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”
– Jean Illsley Clarke
“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will be a philosopher.”
– Socrates
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
– Phyllis Diller
“Save a boyfriend for a rainy day – and another, in case it doesn’t rain.”
– Mae West
“You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.”
– Henny Youngman
“Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore.”
– Bree Luckey
“Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.”
– Pauline Thomason
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.”
– H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
– Rita Rudner
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
– Jim Carrey
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
– Phyllis Diller
“As a man in a relationship, you have a simple choice. You can either be right, or you can be happy.”
– Ralphie May
“True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.”
– Erich Segal
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
– Jerry Seinfeld
“Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.”
– Lord Dewar
“A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.”
– Michel de Montaigne
“Love is sharing your popcorn.”
– Charles M. Schulz
“I love you even more than I am annoyed by you. Which is a lot.”
– Brighton Early
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
– Rita Rudner
“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?”
– Lily Tomlin
“Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.”
– Jules Renard
“It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes.”
– Lucille Ball
“Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.”
– Albert Einstein
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.”
– Erma Bombeck
Want more uplifting inspiration and laughs for your day? Then have a look at this one with inspirational quotes of the day, these funny good morning quotes, the hilarious work quotes in this post and the funny teamwork quotes here.