If you want to make an upcoming birthday a fun and lighthearted celebration then today’s post will help you out.
In it I want to share 91 of the wittiest and most funny birthday quotes about youth, aging and life.
Use one or a couple of them in a card, in a text or a social media post on for example Instagram.
Or simply use one of them in your birthday speech to your friend, sister, brother, coworker or whoever you are celebrating to make them laugh and make their special day even more fun.
Funny Birthday Quotes for Friends (and Your Best Friend)
“You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.”
– Ogden Nash
“I believe you forgot my birthday present last year, so now I’m returning the favor. Happy Birthday!”
– Unknown
“Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“You’re not 40, you’re 18 with 22 years experience.”
– Unknown
“Looking fifty is great – if you’re sixty.”
– Joan Rivers
“Inside every older person is a younger person – wondering what the hell happened.”
– Jennifer Yane
“Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.”
– Truman Capote
“The older you get, the better you get. Unless you are a banana.”
– Betty White
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”
– Lucille Ball
“Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Jack Benny
“Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.”
– Unknown
“A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Age is not important unless you’re a cheese.”
– Helen Hayes
“I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.”
– Phyllis Diller
“I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it.”
– Eva Gabor
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”
– Ellen DeGeneres
“Eventually you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.”
– Will Rogers
“The first hundred years are the hardest.”
– Wilson Mizner
“When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. But when my wife has a birthday, she takes a year or two off.”
– Joan Rivers
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents. From 18 to 35, she needs good looks. From 35 to 55, she needs a good personality. From 55 on, she needs good cash.”
– Sophie Tucker
Short and Funny Birthday Quotes on Getting Older
“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”
– Bob Hope
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
“You’re in mint condition for a vintage model. Happy Birthday!”
– Catherine Pulsifer
“Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young.”
– Fred Astaire
“Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.”
– Joey Adams
“A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.”
– Robert Frost
“I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.”
– Francis Bacon
“Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.”
– Arthur Schopenhauer
“I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don’t have to respect anybody.”
– George Burns
“There is still no cure for the common birthday.”
– John Glenn
“You know you’ve aged when you read events you lived in a history book.”
– Will Ferrell
“Age is a number and mine is unlisted.”
– Unknown
“Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.”
– Chili Davis
“You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’”
– Jerry Seinfeld
“Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning.”
– Bob Hope
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
– Norman Wisdom
“You know you’re getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.”
– Hy Gardner
“You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime.”
– John Grier
“Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that’s down can come up.”
– George Burns
“We don’t grow old. When we cease to grow, we become old.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
Funny Birthday Quotes for Women on Aging Gracefully
“Like many women my age, I am 28 years old.”
– Mary Schmich
“Please don’t retouch my wrinkles. It took me so many birthdays to earn them.”
– Anna Magnani
“I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.”
– Stephen Fry
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
– Phyllis Diller
“I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.”
– Rita Rudner
“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”
– Joan Rivers
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
– Graham Norton
“People say, ‘How you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup.”
– Dolly Parton
“My face carries all my memories. Why would I erase them?”
– Diane von Furstenberg
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.”
– Kitty O’Neill Collins
“I’ve got so many wrinkles; I should be sponsored by a prune company!”
– Unknown
“Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been.”
– Mark Twain
“Listen. I wish I could tell you it gets better. But, it doesn’t get better. You get better.”
– Joan Rivers
“Aging gracefully means being flexible, being open, allowing change, enjoying change, and loving yourself.”
– Wendy Whelan
Funny Birthday Quotes for Men on the Inevitable Changes in Life
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’”
– Claude Pepper
“A man has reached middle age when he’s warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police.”
– Henry Youngman
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
– George Burns
“Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist begin to change places.”
– E. Joseph Cossman
“You’re only as old as the woman you feel.”
– Groucho Marx
“Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.”
– Larry David
“In middle age, the soul should be opening up like a rose, not closing up like a cabbage.”
– John Andrew Holmes
“Middle age is the awkward period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature.”
– Harold Coffin
“I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age, I’m very pleased to be anywhere.”
– George Burns
“Middle age is when you’re faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by 9 o’clock.”
– Ronald Reagan
“I mean, I’m not a kid anymore. I could go tomorrow. And I hope I go tomorrow. I haven’t gone today yet.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
“Life’s a short trip. You’ll find out.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
“I’ve been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don’t need to know anymore.”
– Larry David
“Middle age is when you’ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.”
– Ogden Nash
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.”
– Mark Twain
“Happy Birthday to a [Mom/Dad] who’s smart, funny, and good-looking, from a [daughter/son] who inherited all your best qualities.”
– Good/Smart Child
“Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.”
– George Burns
“I’m sixty years of age. That’s 16 Celsius.”
– George Carlin
Funny Birthday Quotes for Coworkers
“Why is a birthday cake the only food you can blow on and spit on, and everybody rushes to get a piece?”
– Bobby Kelton
“Every year on my birthday, I start a new playlist titled after my current age so I can keep track of my favorite songs of the year as a sort of musical diary because I am a teenage girl.”
– Chris Hardwick
“Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.”
– Dave Barry
“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.”
– Kurt Vonnegut
“The goal of life is to take everything that made you weird as a kid and get people to pay you money for it when you’re older.”
– David Freeman
“You know you’re getting old when all the names in your black book have M.D. after them.”
– Harrison Ford
“We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.”
– Will Rogers
“At my age, flowers scare me.”
– George Burns
“Fighting aging is like the War on Drugs. It’s expensive, does more harm than good, and has been proven to never end.”
– Amy Poehler
“The aging process is not gradual or gentle. It rushes up, pushes you over, and runs off laughing.”
– John Mortimer
“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”
– George Carlin
“Old age comes at a bad time.”
– San Banducci
“Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.”
– John Wagner
“Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings, and you hope it isn’t for you.”
– George Burns
“We don’t stop playing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop playing.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.”
– Eubie Blake
“I have too many wrinkles to have this little money!”
– Cathy Guisewite
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.”
– George Burns
“It’s true, some wine improves with age. But only if the grapes were good in the first place.”
– Abigail Van Buren
Want more inspiration for celebrations coming up soon? Then check out these inspirational birthday quotes, the short birthday quotes in this post and the inspirational wedding quotes here. Plus, this one with short wedding quotes.