What are we doing? Come on. Is this who we are now? “Saturday Night Live” featured player Jeremy Culhane once again showed up on “Weekend Update” in his spot-on impression of right-wing talker Tucker Carlson — and this time his target was last weekend’s Met Gala.
“A night of fashion and fun. Huh. Really. Come on, everybody, let’s all prance around in our $100,000 clown outfits and watch the American empire crumble. What are we doing? Come on,” Culhane-as-Carlson said in opening the segment.
When “Weekend Update” anchor Colin Jost noted that Carlson clearly didn’t like the event, “Tucker” sarcastically responded: “Oh no, I loved it. Because when I go to a museum, I don’t want to learn about history. No, I want to look at The Rock in a skirt. Do you smell what the Rock is cooking? Because I do. It’s gender confusion. That’s the rule. That’s the goal now.”
Then, he took on Madonna: “She named herself after the Virgin Mary. And you want to know my favorite thing about the mother of Jesus Christ? The big pirate ship on her head. And I have to be attracted to this?”
No, Jost said, you don’t. Was there anything you liked? What about Heidi Klum’s outfit?
“Oh yeah, the left has finally gotten what they’ve wanted. They put the Statue of Liberty in a burqa,” he said. “What’s next? Is the Chrysler Building going to become the antichrist-ler Building? What are we doing? Is this the New York we want to live in, Colin?”
Jost noted that Carlson actually lives in Maine. And then “Tucker” went on a tangent about the silent “e” in Maine.
“I’m glad you brought that up. Colin, what does the E even stand for? Oh, I know: ‘Euphoria.’ And, no, I’m not talking about the feeling I get when I press one for English.” Cue Tucker’s maniacal laugh.
Then came Carlson’s take on Jafar Jackson, the star of the new “Michael” film. Carlson had an issue with the film — but of course, not because of the controversy surrounding the King of Pop’s behavior and alleged crimes.
“Oh, yes, right. Some people were upset about the movie,” Jost noted.
Said Carlson: “And they should be. The movie ends in 1988, so obviously they avoided something serious that needs to be acknowledged. The part of Michael Jackson’s life no one wants to talk about anymore. The part when he was a white man. Sorry, kids, Michael Jackson doesn’t get to live a beautiful white life anymore. Who does that remind me of? Oh, that’s right, all of us. ‘Shamona,’ yeah. More like ‘shame on ya.’
After a brief commercial break by Carlson (“Round bananas. Want to eat a banana without looking gay? Try round bananas!”), he left his most offensive hot take for the end.
“Now let’s talk about A$AP Rocky’s outfit. He was on the red carpet — wearing my least favorite color, African American.”
What are we doing?