This is the greatest week of the year for every red-blooded American male sports fan. Opening day in baseball, the men’s national championship basketball game, followed by the big one, the playing of the 87th Masters at Augusta National Golf Club.
And it’s a golf club, not a country club. Don’t even try to drop little Jimmy off at the pool while you go to yoga class. Combine all that with the portent of a glorious summer and it’s easy to see why men are walking around with a little extra pep in their step. This also may be the most anticipated Masters in history for reasons having nothing to do with the golfers. The Masters is all about tradition, manners, and respect. Now that the United States has officially become an open-air insane asylum; tradition, manners, and respect are in short supply.
What you can expect to see at the Masters this week:
Respectful patrons politely clapping for good golf shots.
What you will not see at the Masters:
Crowds woot wooting a transgender wearing devil horns twerking on stage.
Will see- the club President awarding the winner a custom-fit green jacket
Won’t see – a President sniffing a child’s hair then getting lost behind a stage curtain
Will see- patrons enjoying one of Augusta’s famous Azalea cocktails
Won’t see- Nancy Pelosi swilling down her 4th dirty martini
Will see- 83-year-old Jack Nicklaus strike the ceremonial first tee shot 200 yards down the fairway
Jack Nicklaus hits an approach shot on the 18th hole during a celebrity shootout after the second round of The Ally Challenge at Warwick Hills Golf And Country Club on August 27, 2022, in Grand Blanc, Michigan. (Mike Mulholland/Getty Images)
Won’t see- 80-year-old Joe Biden flub 10 lines in a 12-line speech then trip going up the stairs
Will see- Lucious green fairways
Won’t see- carjackings
Will see- the iconic Augusta National logo on beer cups
Won’t see- Dylan Mulvaney’s stubbled face on cans of Bud Light
Dylan Mulvaney attends her Day 365 Live! at The Rainbow Room on March 13, 2023, in New York City. (Roy Rochlin/Getty Images)
Will see- firm handshakes
Won’t see- sucker punches
Will see- Jim Nantz kicking off the broadcast with “Hello friends”
Won’t see- John Fetterman kicking off a debate with “Me John talk now”
You get the idea. Normal Americans would like a break from stupidity, insanity, and degeneracy. The Masters provides it.
And it’s really only the Masters and not golf in general that gives people a break from the madness. You can barely watch a regular PGA Tour event nowadays without being bombarded by smut. You won’t have to worry about these ads at the Masters though. They have limited commercials and it’s only for top-notch brands like Mercedes or IBM. Twenty years ago, renowned feminist Martha Burk led a protest over the fact Augusta National had no women members. Hootie Johnson, the chairman at Augusta simply said club matters are private and it’s none of her business. The Masters’ committee just said screw it and totally got rid of ads that year to keep their advertising partners out of the fray. Let’s get to the golf.
Who can’t win the Masters:
Jon Rahm- a little off his game coming in especially when he shot a 76 during the 2nd round of the Arnold Palmer Invitational. People say he’s a top 3 player along with Scottie Scheffler and Rory McIlroy but I think he’ll slip back to the 2nd tier after this week.
Rory McIlroy- too much pressure to win the Masters and complete the career Grand Slam. He doesn’t handle pressure all that well anyways and this is too much. Great guy though and would be a phenomenal champion so I hope I’m wrong.
Jason Day- has seen a recent career resurgence but he’s a little too flighty to win the Masters. Often complains of vertigo and other assorted illnesses…not Masters champion material.
Dustin Johnson- he won in 2020 but it was during Covid with no fans so it doesn’t really count. Too aloof to win a real Masters.
Patrick Cantlay- too boring to win the Masters. Golfing gods not allow.
Tiger Woods- he was very lucky to win in 2019. Anyone that says he has a chance doesn’t know anything.
Tiger Woods of the United States looks on from the fourth tee during a practice round prior to the 2023 Masters Tournament at Augusta National Golf Club on April 04, 2023, in Augusta, Georgia. (Patrick Smith/Getty Images)
Max Homa- everybody loves this guy. If everybody loves him then he’s got to be hiding something. Whatever he is hiding will be his undoing.
Bob Goalby- the 1968 Masters champion died last year so there is no way he can win this year.
Who can win the Masters:
Xander Schauffele- almost won in 2021 but gagged it on the 16th hole but he’s still mentally tough.
Jordan Spieth- He’s won it before and despite what he did on the 12th hole in 2016 he still comes up big in the clutch (usually)
Cam Smith – the one likable guy that left for LIV. Open champion who is calm under pressure and can putt. That’s a good recipe for a champion.
Cam Young- The Open champion runner-up has been under the radar even while playing some great golf. Hits it a mile. I expect him to contend.
Justin Thomas- Very clutch and has all the shots.
Who will win the Masters:
Scottie Scheffler- he hits it perfectly every single time. Watch the Trackman when he strikes a ball. It starts out at the flagstick and never leaves. This God-fearing Christian will be the first back-to-back winner since Tiger Woods and that jackass Nick Faldo.
Dan Redmond can be found on Twitter @danfromdc