You push people away, and you’re not sure why. Maybe past experiences taught you that vulnerability leads to pain, so you keep your guard up. Pushing people away has become your defense mechanism.
When they leave, it hurts less because you expected it. You’re protecting yourself by building walls, but why does it still feel like you’re missing something? Let’s explore the reasons behind this behavior and how to change it.
1. Desire for Independence
When you’re growing up, you might push people away out of a desire to stand on your own two feet. You want to be independent. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
The downside of this struggle is when you rebel for the sake of doing the opposite of what your parents or other authority figures are telling you to do. That’s not independence.
As you grow, you’ll learn to do what’s in your best interests, whether it means complying with someone else’s directive or thanking them for their ideas and then doing what you know you have to do.
2. Insecurity
When you expect others to eventually reject or abandon you, you might say or do things to sabotage the relationship and speed things up.
After all, if they’re going to leave you, anyway, the sooner the better. Once they are out of your life, due to your behaviors, you can say, “I knew they wouldn’t stick around. No one ever does.”
But in choosing to push people away, you treat all people the same — including those who truly want to stand by you no matter what.
3. Fear of Intimacy
And if you fear intimacy, you’ll put up barriers to creating an emotional bond with someone. You don’t want them to see what’s underneath the armor you wear.
Because if they touch your raw and defenseless interior, their eventual betrayal will hurt more than if they rejected the person they thought you were. Because then, when they do reject you, you know they’re not just rejecting an idea they made up or that you allowed them to see.
They’re rejecting the real you. And deep down, you don’t expect anyone to love that person. You don’t expect to be enough for them.
4. Trauma from Past Rejection
Pushing people away in relationships may be your way of dealing with past rejection.
You can probably think of moments from your past that seem to justify pushing someone away now.
Maybe someone pushed you away when you wanted them to comfort or reassure you. You couldn’t hold back the tears, and they sent you away, accusing you of trying to manipulate them.
Or maybe you counted on someone to be there and have your back, but they left you to stand alone.
5. Low Self-Esteem
You may have low self-esteem and feel so bad about yourself that you question anyone who wants to get close to you.
Why would this person want to hang out with someone like you? There must be something wrong with them if they don’t recognize how unworthy of love and friendship you are.
You almost feel better developing relationships with people who use you or are unkind to you, because that seems like what you deserve. You keep the kind people at bay because they don’t reflect how you feel about yourself.
6. Mental Health Issues
If you are depressed, filled with anxiety, or have other mental health problems, you may not have the energy or emotional bandwidth to be a good friend or partner. As a result, you simply belly-up in the relationship.
You don’t make an effort, and the other person’s efforts are met with a tepid response at best. Or no response at all.
When your mental health suffers, nothing — including your friends — seems to matter much. Eventually, even the most loyal friends get the message that you don’t want them around right now.
Some of these reasons stay with you for decades. Some linger in your memory and influence your behavior toward others until someone challenges you to dig deeper, to forgive, and to grow.
7. Hyper-Competitiveness
Competition is a natural part of life. After all, we’re programmed to survive.
But there’s a healthy line, and crossing the Rubicon into hyper-competitive territory often leads to broken relationships, excessive stress, and serious mental health hurdles.
Additionally, people with their competition gears jammed to full throttle tend to push people away for various reasons. Sometimes they can’t handle the perceived pressure of being around someone who matches or exceeds their skills and talents. Other times, their egos balloon, and they passively aggressively expunge people who may be perceived as inferior or somehow lacking.
8. Jealousy
Eliminating jealousy is impossible. People who go around boasting about their complete lack of envy or want are more than likely overcompensating for an unaddressed issue. And no, not every criticism is a product of the green-eyed monster.
But jealousy is another emotion that goes haywire when left unchecked. When envy takes the reins of a person’s personality, it may push away folks who seemingly have what they crave.