Looking for a funny saying for your wedding speech, toast or card?
Something that will make the happy couple and everyone else laugh out loud?
Then today’s post is just what you need. In it I want to share 100 of the wittiest and best funny wedding quotes.
Use one or a couple of them for one of the three things mentioned above or for social media posts, group chats or texts to make this celebration of love a fun and lighthearted one.
Funny Wedding Quotes That Will Make You and Everyone at the Celebration Laugh
“The best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly who you are: good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.”
– Juno
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
– Rita Rudner
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”
– Mae West
“The first draft of my vows, which I wrote the day after we got engaged, clocked in at around 70 pages.”
– Lelsli Knope (from the TV-show Parks and Recreation)
“I’m married to a very unusual person, but maybe it took a very unusual person to be willing to marry me.”
– Fiona Shaw
“Remember, we’re madly in love, so it’s alright to kiss me anytime you feel like it.”
– Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games
“She’s your lobster. C’mon you guys. It’s a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You can actually see old lobster couples, walking around their tank, you know, holding claws.”
– Phoebe Buffay (from the TV-show Friends)
“My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
– Henny Youngman
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“You know your voice is kind of nice when your mouth isn’t screwing it up. Yeah and you looks are kind of pretty. When your face isn’t screwing it up.”
– The Goonies
“I love that you get cold when it’s 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you’re looking at me like I’m nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.”
– When Harry Met Sally
“Webster’s Dictionary defines wedding as ‘the fusing of two metals with a hot torch.’ Well, you know something? I think you guys are two medals. Gold medals.”
– Michale Scott, (from the TV-show The Office)
“A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.”
– Terry Pratchett
“We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness – and call it love – true love.”
– Robert Fulghum
Funny Wedding Quotes and Sayings for a Speech, Toast or Card
“Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing.”
– Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”
– Cameron Esposito
“Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”
– Ogden Nash
“A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short.”
– André Maurois
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.”
– Cher
“There are a hundred paths through the world that are easier than loving. But who wants easier?”
– Mary Oliver
“The secret to a good marriage is to be a little deaf.”
– Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.”
– Winston Churchill
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Love is blind; marriage is the eye-opener.”
– Pauline Thomason
“Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you.”
– Chip Gaines
“But the thing is this, after a while, you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh.”
– Sex and the City
“I’m not a smart man, but I know what love is.”
– Forrest Gump
“Marriage is like a tense, unfunny, version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.”
– Pete (from the movie Knocked Up)
“A wedding marks the first day of the rest of your life. You have been dead until now. Were you aware of that? You’re dead right now.”
– Bride Wars
“If you’re thinking of getting married, you might as well learn right now that you have to let women be women.”
– Hello, Dolly!
“I can’t make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75.”
– Rob Delaney
“Michelle’s like Beyoncé in that song, ‘Let me upgrade ya!’ She upgraded me.”
– Barack Obama
“If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something.”
– Fran Lebowitz
“Make sure you have date night even if it’s once in a blue moon because most of the time you’re just too tired and you’d actually prefer to sleep.”
– Chris Hemsworth
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”
– Chelsea Handler
Funny Wedding Quotes for Friends
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”
– Ogden Nash
“For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end.”
– Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.”
– Carroll Bryant
“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”
– Socrates
“It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.”
– Robert Frost
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.”
– Billy Connolly
“Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up, she’s there. You come back from work, she’s there. You fall asleep, she’s there. You eat dinner, she’s there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing, but it’s not.”
– Robert (from the TV-show Everybody Loves Raymond)
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion. It is also remembering to take out the trash.”
– Dr. Joyce Brothers
“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times – always with the same person.”
– Mignon McLaughlin
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.”
– Anne Bancroft
“Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid their problems sound to you.”
– Megan Mullally
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.”
– Will Ferrell
“Marriage is like a graph: It has its ups and downs and as long as things bounce back up again, you’ve got a good marriage. If it heads straight down, then you’ve got some problems!”
– Julie Andrews
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.”
– George Burns
“I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame, or that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad and if either watches it without the other, they’re dead meat. I want to see you guys high-five each other like teammates on a recreational softball team you both do for fun.”
– Mindy Kaling
“When you love someone as much as I love you, getting married is the only thing left to do. So, will you, um, marry me?”
– April (from the movie Definitely, Maybe)
“If you’re ever with a girl that’s too good for you, marry her.”
– Reed Bennett (from the movie Valentine’s Day)
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked.”
– LeAnn Rimes
“A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.”
– Milton Berle
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon called 50 Shades of Just OK.”
– Conan O’Brien
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
– Neil Simon
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!”
– Bill Maher
“I’m so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids.”
– Molly McNearney
Short and Funny Wedding Quotes
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”
– Henny Youngman
“A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.”
– Michel de Montaigne
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”
– Eddie Cantor
“If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.”
– Alan King
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
“I think anybody who falls in love is a freak. It’s a crazy thing to do. It’s kind of like a form of socially acceptable insanity.”
– Amy (from the movie Her)
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”
– Agatha Christie
“I often wonder whether men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.”
– Katharine Hepburn
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too – for being married so many times.”
– Elizabeth Taylor
“When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.”
– Joan Rivers
“I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.”
– Lyndon B. Johnson
“‘I am’ is supposedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?”
– George Carlin
“I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.’”
– Gwyneth Paltrow
“They say all marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning.”
– Clint Eastwood
“Honestly, if you’re not willing to sound stupid, you don’t deserve to be in love.”
– Emily (from the movie A Lot Like Love)
“I love you. That’s why I make you miserable.”
– Carmen (from the movie Real Women Have Curves)
“We got married: society’s solution to loneliness, lust and laundry.”
– Luke Rhinehart
“I’m looking for someone to share in an adventure that I’m arranging, and it’s very difficult to find anyone.”
– J.R.R. Tolkien (from the book The Hobbit)
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.”
– Red Skelton
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It’s not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”
– Sinbad
“There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.”
– Clint Eastwood
“Husbands are like fires. They go out when unattended.”
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
“In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf.”
– Ruth Bader Ginsburg
Funny Anniversary Quotes on a Happy and Strong Marriage
“The first time you marry for love, the second for money, and the third for companionship.”
– Jackie Kennedy
“Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you.”
– Unknown
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.”
– Rita Rudner
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”
– Mickey Rooney
“My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.”
– Jack Benny
“Marriage is good for those who are afraid to sleep alone at night.”
– St. Jerome
“Most of a husband’s life is spent in doing research on his wife.”
– Pawan Mishra
“The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.”
– Oscar Wilde
“Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.”
– Chris Rock
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings… and lawyers.”
– Richard Pryor
“A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.”
– Brendan Behan
“In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.”
– Robert Anderson
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”
– Stephanie Ortiz
“Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.”
– Albert Einstein
“Marriage is about the most expensive way for the average man to get laundry done.”
– Burt Reynolds
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
– Jim Carrey
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
– Phyllis Diller
Want more inspiration for wedding speeches, toasts and cards? Then have a look at these short wedding quotes, the inspirational wedding quotes here and also this one with funny love quotes.